Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Please Help Yourself...

I recently reported on an outbreak of nomenclatural insanity in my local Barclays bank. Happily this has since been rectified and the three hole-in-the-wall machines now perform their functions in the anonymity that befits them. However, the bank madness is still all around us. This afternoon I stepped into a branch of Lloyds to make use of its indoor cash machine and, while getting my bearings - checking this was indeed a bank and not the reception area of some dubious club - I noticed a rack containing a range of leaflets. 'Our Products and Services', said a notice on the wall. 'Please Help Yourself...' I scanned the titles in a state of total bewilderment and, unable to believe my eyes, noted them down. The 16 leaflets - four rows of four - were titled as follows:


Words fail me - though not, alas, the marketing hotshots who came up with that lot. Do the banks really need at this stage to give us more reasons to hate them?


  1. I couldn't stop myself from imagining an alternative rack of leaflets composed by the Father Jack Marketing Agency: Drink, Feck, Arse, Girls ...

  2. This is a subliminal message Nige…..

    Stay CALM and your assets will FLOURISH. You will then WISH for a SNUG, SMARTER home for your hard earned cash. BREATH easy, we, the Royal Bank of Rob-Em-Blind offer you the opportunity to BELONG to our organisation, we are very EXITED at being given the task of working TOGETHER with your money, giving us, the bank's directors, enough of the folding stuff to purchase that CASTLE we often drool over, We will then, once your coffers are empty and no longer qualify for private banking, ASPIRE to have you KICKED out. Don't bother suing us, our Lawyers are Shady, Dodgy and FEARLESS, 401a George St Edinburgh. We are nothing, if not ELATED, that your DREAM has come true and, remain CONFIDENT that we can assure you of our best attention once, that is, your reserves are once again replenished.


  3. شركة نقل عفش
    اهم شركات مكافحة حشرات بالخبر كذلك معرض اهم شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام والخبر والجبيل والخبر والاحساء والقطيف كذلك شركة رش حشرات بالدمام ومكافحة الحشرات بالخبر
    شركة مكافحة حشرات بالدمام
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة الجوهرة من افضل شركات تنظيف الخزانات بجدة حيث ان تنظيف خزانات بجدة يحتاج الى مهارة فى كيفية غسيل وتنظيف الخزانات الكبيرة والصغيرة بجدة على ايدى متخصصين فى تنظيف الخزانات بجدة
    شركة تنظيف خزانات بجدة
    شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالدمام
    شركة نقل عفش واثاث