The Price of Fish

 I must stop this fooling around with ChatGTP, but I thought I'd try it with this – 'a conversation about the price of fish in the style of Ronald Firbank'. The result, I think, is not bad, an index perhaps of how easy Firbank is to parody – indeed, he was not above doing it himself... 

A GILDED DRAWING ROOM IN KENSINGTON, JUST AFTER TEA. THE CURTAINS ARE A FRIGHTFUL SHADE OF LILAC.

Lady Thangmire (tapping a lorgnette against her teeth):
"I was told—quite earnestly—that the haddock had risen again."

Mr. Popsy Devlin (in pale violet gloves, yawning exquisitely):
"Haddock? Darling, in July? What a vulgar month for ascendancy."

Lady Thangmire:
"Oh, quite. But the fishmonger looked rapturous, as if he'd seen angels in the icebox."

Popsy:
“Fishmen always do, dear. It’s the brine. Or perhaps an excess of cod.”

Lady Thangmire:
“I detest cod. It reminds me of widows and bad upholstery.”

Popsy (dreamily):
"I was nearly seduced once, over a fillet of sole. It was in Biarritz. Or Bournemouth. Somewhere with an ‘r’ and questionable morals."

Lady Thangmire:
"How continental. I do admire a man who can whisper sweet nothings between courses."

Popsy:
"Still, the price of turbot is criminal. Positively republican."

Lady Thangmire:
“Oh, but everything’s gone up, hasn’t it? Even sin is frightfully dear.”

Popsy:
"Darling, I've been economising wickedly. I only dine twice now. Breakfast is a flirtation. Supper, an affair."

Lady Thangmire (archly):
“Do you pay for either?”

Popsy (with a shrug):
"Only with my reputation, which—mercifully—is priceless."

Lady Thangmire:
"Still. I might send for herring. There's a Protestant dignity to it. It never smiles."

Popsy (sighing):
“If fish could smile, we'd all be Roman Catholics.”

So then I thought I'd set it a tougher challenge – 'a conversation about the price of fish in the style of Ivy Compton-Burnett'. The result was disappointing, but also, I suppose, reassuring, in demonstrating that Ivy's style is truly inimitable...   

Characters:

• Mrs. Galbraith – Matriarch of the household, direct and controlling.

• Miriam – Her adult daughter, dutiful but quietly resentful.

• Algernon – The younger son, sarcastic and detached.

• Cook (Mrs. Simms) – Housekeeper with opinions of her own.

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Scene: The dining room, late morning. Mrs. Galbraith is seated with letters. Miriam stands by the window. Algernon enters, late for breakfast.

Mrs. Galbraith:
You have missed the haddock, Algernon. It was not unworthy of attention, though Cook informs me it now verges on extravagance.

Algernon:
Then I am relieved to have missed it. I cannot eat what has become a symbol.

Miriam:
I thought it was simply haddock.

Mrs. Galbraith:
Miriam, do not be obtuse. A price rising beyond what it was must suggest a new function. Food ceases to nourish and begins to signify.

Algernon:
In this case, it signifies inflation and Cook’s disapproval.

Mrs. Simms (entering quietly):
It signifies, Madam, that fish costs three shillings more than it did last week, and that the fishmonger looks at me as if I had done it myself.

Mrs. Galbraith:
Perhaps you have, Mrs. Simms. The household seems to affect the economy more than I thought.

Miriam:
We must eat something, Mother.

Mrs. Galbraith:
We must indeed. Though apparently not fish, if we are to avoid economic blame.

Algernon:
I shall go without. It will be my contribution to fiscal stability.

Mrs. Simms:
If Master Algernon eats nothing, it will be the first time the kitchen has saved money by his abstinence.

Algernon:
Mrs. Simms, I see you have turned against me. Perhaps it is the sardines.

Mrs. Simms:
They too have gone up, Sir.

Mrs. Galbraith:
Then it is settled. We shall eat root vegetables and declare ourselves patriots. Miriam, make a note that we are no longer to be part of the fish economy.

Miriam:
Yes, Mother. Shall I also inform the fishmonger that he has lost our trust?

Mrs. Galbraith:
He may take that as implied. If he notices the absence of Mrs. Simms, he will know we are not unaware of his machinations.

Algernon:
It is a bold stance. I admire our commitment to justice in matters piscatorial.

Mrs. Galbraith:
We must be bold, Algernon. What else have we to be?


Hmm. A shame this is so weak – especially as the price of fish was just the kind of subject Ivy was liable to raise in the course of conversation...

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