The Rightful Queen

 I was walking along the high street this morning, minding my own business, when I was accosted by a woman with henna'd hair, alarming pink lipstick and a glint in her eye. She was pulling along a small suitcase on wheels, but stopped to engage my attention.
  'They don't know what to do with me,' she declared.
  Before I could ask for elucidation, she embarked on her story. She is, it turns out, the rightful Queen of England. She knows this because she was told it by an eminent Irish lawyer after Mass at Westminster Cathedral, as they took the train together back to Thornton Heath. He had leaned over to her and whispered, 'You don't know this but you are the rightful Queen of England, and so was your mother before you.'
   She was also given the same surprising news by Bernadette Devlin, the firebrand Irish MP, who was subsequently the target of an assassination attempt, and by Airey Neave, MP, who was promptly blown up outside the Houses of Parliament. And, if that's not enough corroboration, she was told the same thing by Seventies singing sensations The Osmonds (who have so far survived). The vocal combo knew because the extent of her rightful realm takes in not only Britain and Ireland but also the whole of the United States. She has been pressing her (and her mother's) claim tirelessly, bombarding in particular David Cameron, but of course she has got nowhere: the conspiracy to suppress her story involves the entire British establishment as well as, obviously, the Royal Family. 
   To my surprise, having outlined her story to me, she stopped, thanked me for listening, and went on her way, pulling her little suitcase behind her. I wished her good luck.