Tuesday 19 July 2011

Olympics News

I shouldn't be talking about this of course, but it seems the high-level, deep-cover, fully deniable conspiracy to prevent the London Olympics from happening is gaining momentum. The hacking scandal was rather a roundabout way of getting there, but objective number one - the decapitation of the Met - has now been achieved. What comes next I cannot divulge at this point in time, but I feel confident that the glorious goal of an Olympics-free London will be achieved. And fear not - the stadium will be put to good use. In keeping with the retro spirit of the times and the climate of economic austerity, I've drafted a proposal for a truly alternative Olympics, one that will ensure a fun day out for all:

Egg and Spoon Race
Sack Race
Three-legged Race
Wheelbarrow Race
Standing Jump
Backward Sprint.

Bring own eggs, spoons, ropes etc. If wet, in Millennium Dome.


  1. And surely Nige you could find a slot for CB Fry's wonderful trick of leaping, backward, onto a mantle - with marks for 'style and content' naturally

  2. And you might want to include the only event from the World Eskimo-Indian Olympics for non-indigenous contestants:


  3. I have a good team game for your alternative olympics. Two teams of as many people as you want standing in a line. A cork on a long piece of string threaded down the underwear of each team member and passed to the next (in the end they'll all be connected by string!)First team to get to the end of the long line of people wins.

  4. Oh yes - this could be an (alternative) Olympics to remember, what with the ear pull, the Fry Jump and the, er, string event - have you played this one, Tricia?!

  5. Nice idea Tricia, but I've had a word with Heath & Safety and, without being specific, they are concerned, particularly for female participants, and have asked for more detail.
    And Nige, I think you will have to look closely at the Egg & Spoon dash.
    H&S say that hard-boiled are no longer acceptable, as people have been hurt falling on them. Raw are also banned because of the risk of salmonella; but you knew this was never going to be easy

  6. Indeed Mahlerman, it's a minefield - and I've got a suspicion the Fry Jump might be illegal, following a hasty piece of knee-jerk legislation back in the Twenties, when the government feared a rash of copycat Fry jumpers leaping backwards onto the nation's mantelpieces, sending tasteful objets d'art and swanky invitations flying...

  7. Well the cork and string game was played at my parents' Theatre Club parties in the 70s! I was about twelve and clearly remember an elderly gent getting the cork caught up in his unusual under garment (was it some sort of combination affair?)A never to be forgotten moment, as everyone in his team tried to help him free the trapped cork. I used to look on in amazement at such adult frolics. Might liven up the olympics, don't you think? Might stop us taking ourselves Too Seriously.

  8. Good grief Tricia - your parents knew how to throw a party! Yes, it's a must for the Alternative Olympics - and the more unusual undergarments the better...

  9. Can we assume that tickets for the above events will be distributed on the "first come, last served" principle.

    Boris might want to include a "choose the next Met chief plod" event, contestants of course must carry proof of ex NOW employment.

  10. If wet, in Millennium Dome.