Wednesday 16 November 2011

The Knight of the Plastic Window

The 'home improvement' company called Anglian - plastic windows and so very much more - occasionally telephone me at home. It's surprising how often they happen to be in the area and on the lookout for homes in which to fit their plastic windows at a special reduced rate. Surprising, too, how often I fill in consumer surveys then clean forget all about having done so. If I allow the conversation to proceed, they will ask how many windows I would, in an ideal world, have replaced with plastic - one? Two? Three? Four? 'Sir/madam,' I reply, 'in an ideal world I would at this moment be reclining in the sun on a bed of wild thyme surrounded by nectaring blue butterflies...' Actually I don't of course - I've usually hung up with a polite 'Thank you' before they've so much as shown their hand. But now I understand Anglian's persistence. Anglian Home Improvements are 'on a home improvement crusade'. I saw one of their vans this morning (in the area again! What are the chances?) and there it was, proudly emblazoned on the side: 'Anglian Home Improvements. On a home improvement crusade.' This mission statement was illustrated by a large image of a vaguely medieval-looking warrior type on a warlike prancing steed. Needless to say, no Christian iconography was to be seen - no red cross on a white ground here, but a vague inverted V, white on blue. This blue knight is on a decidedly cross-free crusade. In an ideal world, indeed, it would be better called a 'fenestrade'. And so very much more.


  1. Oh well, at least the side of their van didn't say "passionate about plastic".

    I guess history might have taken a different turn had the Crusaders invaded the Holy Land with a view to conducting some home improvements. "Knee-deep in Polyfilla, the Crusaders entered Jerusalem ... "

  2. A crusade? Haven't their lawyers warned them they are at risk of being forced to make a public apology and settle claims for reparations?

  3. Well quite Peter - they'd be on much safer ground with 'fenestrade'...
    'Passionate about plastic' is brilliant!

  4. Talking about passion and sides of vans, I was once overtaken on the motorway by a white van whose side bore the legend: "Passionate about delivering your laundry solutions".

  5. Brilliant - 'Passionate' AND 'Solutions', a double whammy! Only 'Logistics' missing for the hat-trick...

  6. So long as they're all at the heart of what they do.

  7. I think their campaign would be greatly enlivened by rebranding it as 'Anglian Home Improvements. On a home improvement jihad.'

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